I've been having trouble focussing on much at all. There are just so many things I think about and would like to start doing, but the days are just too short. There are just so many things I should and could be doing, but couldn't be bothered to do. And the exams are looming... The early mornings of earlier in the year kind of fizzled out after the June exams, and I've not managed to force myself out of bed before 7:00 for some time now.
Our plans in general have once again become somewhat uncertain, and while we eagerly await the news that will propel us either in one direction or the other, hanging in limbo means that I am restless, anxious, lacking confidence in myself and others and just generally fighting pretty much everything in my immediate environment, including the new job I was so excited about just a couple of short weeks ago...
This is the make/break point, the moment of clarity when my inner dialogue, instincts and past experiences come together to define the source of the unease responsible for any recent bouts of emotional instability, irrationality, feelings of despair and general lack of interest in myself, my family, my life and my job. This is where it dawns on me that I still haven't found what I'm looking for, and where I am presented with the Big Choice; Do I ride it out and keep going, one unbearably long day at a time, in the hope that it's all going to turn out alright? Or do I cut loose, take the plunge and try not to think about the landing at the end of a spectacular free fall?
And then the moment is over. Now, the moment is over. Time's up, That's all folks!, thanks for coming - see ya later, bye-bye!
And this is the moment when it all goes back to being hazy and unclear and making the Choice becomes impossible because what was clear a split second ago is now surrounded by everything else, and it's not just me, my mind and my life anymore. There are too many other people involved now and there's too much responsibility attached to deciding one way or the other. Responsibility that I cannot bring myself to own, despite the fact that I can see my name tattooed all over it, and I am haunted by the vaguest of recollections of placing my signature at the bottom of an Indemnity Form.